"I've had two awesome Mothers-In-Law in my life."
When I make that statement, 99.9% of the response is either complete disbelief or an incredulous LOL. "SUUUURE YOU HAVE!!!" they howl, "...and HOW long have you been off your meds now?!?"
The common wisdom says almost nothing good about Mother-In-Laws (MILs) and most often characterizes them as either meddling interlopers, scheming manipulators or bossy know-it-alls... sometimes all three at once!
I suppose that's true in many (most?) cases, but let me offer an alternate to the common wisdom. I've been lucky enough to have shared my life with two awesome MILs who enriched me, made me laugh and feeling grateful for them.
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MOTHER-IN-LAW #1
It didn't start out that way with MIL #1. In fact, it got really bad before it got really good and it was a long, strange trip. Our first meeting at her home for Thanksgiving dinner in 1977 was weird and troubling and should have been a portent of the emotional mayhem that was to follow. I was just too dumb and lovestruck with her daughter to see it.
In short order, I struck out at the plate:
Strike #1 was that her wonderful Jewish American Princess daughter was dating a Mexican.
Strike #2 was that her daughter was pregnant only 6 months after she started dating the Mexican.
Strike #3 was that her daughter was marrying the Mexican who impregnated her.
I was OUT!!!!!
#1 hated my lack of responsible family planning, my unskilled non-collegiate background, my sketchy heritage and that I wasn't Jewish like she'd always dreamed her Son-In-Law would be. She never relented, denigrating and insulting me in the same passive-aggressive ways she'd been eviscerating her long-suffering Husband with for so many years.
Over the next several years of child visitations, court proceedings and the wreckage of an ugly divorce, things slowly began to change for #1 and me. During a birthday party for my daughter at their duplex, #1 and I finally connected in a wide-ranging conversation lubricated with a lot of Asti Spumante. Over the course of that afternoon, she began to laugh more, talk more and even admitted that I was a pretty good provider and father to her only Grandchild.
I was thunderstruck, to say the least.
Soon afterwards, her health issues began to turn serious with a diagnosis of systemic Lupus. She was in and out of hospital, and during one kid weekend when we went to see her at Cedars Sinai, young daughter and I spent several hours at her bedside, with daughter held tight in Grandma's arms and me next to them in a chair, all of us laughing and chattering and feeling really, really glad to be together.
That turned out to be the last time I'd see #1, who'd spend the next 20 years slowly dissolving away from the powerful, crazy, hilarious woman she'd always been. I'm glad my last vision of her was sitting in a hospital bed with a huge smile on her face, waving goodbye.
MOTHER-IN-LAW #2
How can I describe the galactic difference between MILs #1 and #2? Unlike #1, #2 was loving, accepting and gracious to a fault right from our first introduction. She was completely open to bringing me into her family fold when I started dating her third daughter (The Artist), who was also in the final throes of a failed marriage.
The fact that #2 was a Virgo like me bonded us almost immediately, but even though she's deeply religious she never EVER proselytized to or judged me, using her personal example as the gold-standard of her being. She'd raised a family of 4 kids astride her Husband of over 60 years, a stoic-yet-hilarious man who loved to diss and bait me, always giving me his sideways smirk to let me know he was only kidding. They were the classic first-wave Boomer Couple.
When The Artist was seriously injured in a 1988 car accident, which required wearing a halo head/neck/back brace for three months, #2 and I actually got into a several arguments about who was gonna be the primary giver of loving care and support. Those semi-heated arguments always ended in tearful laughter and hugging acknowledgement that we were just trying to out-do each other. Soooo typically Virgo!
When #2 was struck down with a mysteriously debilitating illness in 2011, The Artist and I shifted into overdrive to save her life, an episode you can read about in my essay titled 'Slipping Into Darkness' . I was manic about making sure we did absolutely everything we could so she didn't wind up dead or in potato mode at some stupid nursing home. We made the 80-mile round trip from our home to her hospital rooms every day for weeks on end, fought like hell to convince the Doctors to do a final test that miraculously uncovered the reason for her illness, and cleaned her house every weekend for months during her rehab.
She survived!!!!!
True fact: decades ago she asked me to carve the turkey for the family's annual Thanksgiving feasts because she said hubby always butchered the bird. This was high praise in my book, and for years I carved with gusto and appreciation for her loving gesture.
#2 has become one of the Most Important People in my life, and although she's now 86 years old and adjusting to life without her Man (lost in November 2020), I would move heaven and earth for her. She RULES.
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So often, married couples deal with and suffer from the kinds of unfortunate parental relationships that can torpedo a newly-hitched duo in ways both seen and unseen. This phenomenon has historical precedent, but that never makes it easier to handle.
According to De Wiki, the phrase 'Mother-In-Law' comes from the Middle English phrase 'modyr in lawe'. The term was first used in the 14th or 15th century, and the idea behind it is that your MIL has the same rights and duties as your biological mother and is given those rights and duties by the legal pact of marriage.
All too often, prospective Sons/Daughters-In-Law are blinded to the whims and vagaries of their future MILs because the prospect of signing on to a turmoil-filled marriage JUST CAN'T HAPPEN. It may be wishful thinking, willful ignorance or simply a lack of foresight when a guy or gal finds themselves at the receiving end of the bad juju that comes with a bad MIL relationship.
None of this seems to be relevant to Father-in laws, who are usually A-OK unless they're just dickheads. Go figger.
I can say this much: based upon my first meeting with #1, if I'd not been so stupidly in love with her daughter I'd have listened to my gut and run from that place and never again dated my soon-to-be-ex-wife.
Hindsight... 20/20... and all that.
My advice to anyone who intends to bring a MIL into their lives is simple: never EVER forget that marriage is a painful way of showing parents how very much a child has grown and maybe doesn't need them any more. This can trigger all sorts of reactions ranging from sorrowful loss to spittle-flecked anguish and resentment, all wrapped up in seething hostility and outright hatred.
Let all of that go by the wayside. Focus on being the most loving, most attentive, most supportive spouse you can be and the rest will eventually take care of itself. Diffuse any animosity with kindness, compassion and understanding... unless you have one of those "OH MY GOD WTF AM I GETTING INTO?!?!" moments like I did in 1977 when I should have listened to my inner alarm screaming RUN, NOW.
Because someday you too will be in their shoes, greeting a child's new Significant Other who may just turn out to be The One.
"I told my Mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said 'Get the hell off my property!'" - Joan Rivers
