Pandemic Polka
These are interesting times to be a Lot Geek at Home Depot, with The Galloping Crud lurking everywhere and the social tension thick enough to cut with a Milwaukee SawZall. The good news is that most people are in an upbeat 'be nicer to each other' mood, similar to the social atmosphere during the holidays.
I always wished we could have that same holiday feeling year-round, but the circumstances for that phenomenon now suck pretty badly. Still... I'll take it.
With that in mind, I'd like to offer my humble suggestions for anyone who finds themselves needing to shop for essentials during this time of Crud Avoidance:
1. Please... dispose of your used sanitary wipes, face masks and latex gloves properly. Do not (I repeat) DO NOT discard these items inside the shopping baskets or (worse) simply drop them onto the parking lot. Don't be a fucking pig, OK?
Discarded latex gloves have become a hallmark of these pandemic times, and it also shows an incredible lack of consideration for others (like ME) who have to go around picking up your cootie-laden crap. Leaving your shopping basket in the middle of a handicapped parking space is bad enough; dropping your (possibly) virulent trash on the ground is not only littering, it's UNSAFE AND POTENTIALLY DANGEROUS.
BTW, a discarded clear latex glove looks exactly like a huge used condom.
Ew.
If you can't find a trash can close by, just dump those items in your trunk and dispose of them when you get home. Show some empathy for others and we'll all be better off.
2. Don't be a line asshole. We all know it sucks to have to wait in lines to shop for essentials like bondage gear, razor blades or wolverine chow. The lines also seem longer because of the six-foot social distancing mandates. Keeping a cool head while in the cue is really important, because people are generally a bit nervous right now anyway.
If you get antsy and impatient and start complaining or yelling at the store personnel who meter customers through the front door, you have marked yourself as a CoronaAsshole and will have rightly earned the derision of others in line.
When one my my co-workers prevented a guy from cutting the line and going directly in the store, the guy lost his shpadoinkle and screamed "YOU BITCH!!" at her. She calmly told him to go to the end of the line or get the hell out of the parking lot.
It was a long slow walk to the end of that line heh heh heh.
3. Pay attention to the 6-foot spacing. Everyone should assume they're infected since there's no NO MASS TESTING yet (sigh... facepalm). That way you'll be more aware of making sure to steer clear of others in every situation while you search for that new bondage gear.
4. Wear a face covering, dammit!!!! No one looks cool in a face mask, and those of us who choose to wear a bandanna look like insane cowboy bank robbers (The Artist says I should wear a cowboy hat too... she's funny!). Stop worrying about how you look and cover your face in a sign of cooperation and and consideration for others. Remember: assume you're infected and it will be more meaningful.
5. Be nice to your cashiers. You have no idea how much hassle and grief the cashiers and checkers go through to help you buy a 25-pound bag of wolverine chow. Also too, since you're likely infected (right?) it's also potentially dangerous for them to help you and that's a hard bargain for the $12.50 an hour cashiers get to face off with your uncovered mug.
There are more pandemic behaviors you could adopt, but you get the picture. If you assume you're already virulent, all these suggestions will be easier to keep top-of-mind. Of course, YOU aren't virulent (are you?) but none of us know who the carriers are because NO MASS TESTING (sigh... facepalm).
Orange Auto Show
Here's some images of the cool cars I've seen lately in the HD parking lot. No rhyme nor reason nor particular order... I just like 'em. Pardon the poor image quality of my ancient dumb phone.
1966 Ford Thunderbird Convertible -- not concourse perfect but a beautiful wire-wheeled ride nonetheless. The Geezer driver had owned it for decades and was wearing wraparound shades.
1968 Oldsmobile Cutlass 442 Convertible -- almost perfect condition, really stunning car.The Dude-bro owner had it for 3 years and just finished his restoration. The engine loped like a monster and he romped on it when he left the lot. Guys... amirite?
1974 Chevrolet El Camino -- two-tone yellow and white, Cragars, lifted in the rear. A high school wet dream ride.
1980 Dodge Ram -- this goat roper was literally flawless, the owner's Dad had bought it new and the Son had restored it to better than new. Even the custom bed cover and spare carrier were OEM factory options.
1967 Pontiac GTO -- another classic that was obviously a daily driver, not perfect but very beautiful. The body color and vintage American mags were exactly the right combination.
2002 Ford E-250 Zombie Apocalypse Van -- this image doesn't do it justice... festooned with lights, rocket launchers and assorted weaponry. The owner also has a Mercedes 4-door Sedan that's decked out in the same fashion and says his car customization the only hobby his wife will let him enjoy. Totally nuts and awesome, it was surrounded by admirers.
Zen Lumber
Once I've finished the de-crudding, more often than not I'm asked to 'flat-stack' the lumber area, which involves straightening out the piles of wood that shoppers annihilate every day. The purpose of flat-stacking is two-fold: reset the wood so it's easier to search through and improve the appearance of the lumber area.
Heh heh heh... I said 'wood'.
It's a task not many people are willing to do, but I enjoy it. There's something very satisfying about starting at one end of the lumber aisle and flat-stacking everything within sight so that when finished, the lumber and wood stacks are clean and neat, a visual confirmation of actual physical work.
Don't kid yourself... it really is work, and I get sweaty real fast from the effort. Also too, if I don't concentrate the result is a massively bonked head or a dropped 8 x 8 on my hand or foot, so I gotta pay attention.
The other factor is that the task is strangely calming, prolly because I can let my brain shift into Neutral while I'm moving wood around. I find myself reaching an almost zen state of mind with the repetition, moving from one stack to the next, working steadily all by myself. It's amazing how much wood I can move in an hour, and seeing the results that are at once wholly transient yet strangely gratifying is a weird sensation.
Plus, I really like the aroma of freshly-stacked lumber. Who knew?
Coda
Once again, I'm struck with the realization that my part-time HD gig offers more than just some extra shekels during our Global Pandemic Polka. It's a great way to feel relevant in uncertain times and stay connected (yet socially distanced) from other people who are also just trying to find their way through this unnerving crisis.
The overwhelming good nature that most people display is heartening. That we have a collective desire to help make things better for each other gives me hope for our post-Crud future, even though we'll be covering our faces for much longer than anyone thinks.
I've opined before that the human race resembles a virulent infection covering the surface of our Mother Earth, sucking up the life force while leaving devastation, destruction and death in its wake.
It doesn't have to be that way, and we know it. Our brush with Covid-19 should help us to see more clearly that we're all just Bozos on this collective bus, and we gotta be better stewards of our planet so we can keep tweaking each other's noses.
The question is: how far are we willing to go to make our future worth living on this spinning Blue Marble?
"The Earth is just too small and fragile a basket for the human race to keep all its eggs in." -- Robert A. Heinlein
Lead image, Gracias de Google images; car images, courtesia de Oblio: 'Big Yellow Taxi' y 'Polka Never Dies' videos, Muchismas Gracias de YouTube. WASH YOUR HANDS!!!!
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