Them Changes

I have an announcement to make.

With my 70^th birthday right around the corner, it’s important to be open about a fundamental transition I’ve made in my life as a cisgender male. Transitioning is never easy and often misunderstood, even by those who claim to be open-minded. It’s a change that society mostly rejects, as it goes against social constructs and the perceived ‘way things should be'.

I’m happy with the immediate impact it’s had on my life, and I hope that my family and friends will understand.

With the approval of my wife of 40 years, who loves and supports me in every way, this essay will be my declaration to the world about my choice. So here goes:

I’ve decided to no longer urinate from a standing position, and have transitioned to urinating from a sitting position on the toilet.

THERE… I’ve said it.

This realization was long in the making. The tipping point came one day about six months ago while I was cleaning the bathroom I normally use… she uses the Master bathroom, mine is off the hallway. I’ve cleaned bathrooms my whole life and have written about this important activity before.

https://gortnation.blogspot.com/2010/12/hi-my-name-is-bob-and-im-cleaner.html

I was cleaning and wiping down the toilet when I realized something, maybe for the first time: when a guy pees from a standing position, tiny drops of water and urine splashes on everything – the toilet rim, the seat, the seat lid, the floor, the tub and curtains adjacent to the toilet – literally everything within a foot of the bowl gets splashed with watery urine.

Think about it: peeing while standing is quick and easy but it also means the urine stream falls about two feet to the bowl water, impacting the surface and causing tiny droplets to eject up and out of the bowl. 

SCIENCE. 

Not my bathroom.

I thought to myself, “It doesn’t have to be this way!!”

From that day on, I’ve peed while sitting down and haven’t regretted it. The transition didn’t take long, but I learned that old habits are hard to break. I’ve also had additional thoughts about this fundamental life change.

While urinals seem to be an easy answer to the splash quotient, most of them exist only in public places and unless you're careful, splash-back still occurs and impacts your clothes and the adjacent fixture separation walls. A quick look at those (usually) metal walls often display corrosion and peeling paint due to the caustic nature of human urine. Males have blithely pissed in urinal stalls for decades, seemingly unaware they’ve been splashed by their own piss.

I once worked at a job where the Men's bathroom urinal stall walls were unusually close to the fixture, and they were so corroded by piss that they looked like an ancient archeological dig.

Standing while urinating, whether in private or public, also subconsciously demands the act be completed quickly in order not to have one’s genitalia exposed for too long, a fear endemic to nearly all males. In addition, rushing the act of urination also increases the chance of miscellaneous drippage of leftover urine, which occurs more frequently as men get older and the prostate gets lazier. Underwear mitigates the problem, but just barely. I reckon that's the role underwear plays, right?

                                         

As an aside, I’ve never understood the poor ergonomics of 'briefs' underwear with the front flaps to allow the standing pee to occur with an unzip and reach through the flap. I hated wearing those 'tighty whiteys' as a kid, never used the flap and stopped wearing them 50 years ago. They're still wildly popular and sold everywhere.

This I know: shaking it two or three times before stuffing and zipping is no guarantee against drippage, unless you don't care.

Also too, I have an unnatural fear of being an old man who smells like pee.

Now that I urinate while sitting, I'm more relaxed and able to take my time, releasing the initial flow, then waiting a few seconds for my aged prostate to reset and let that last bit go. In addition, my bathroom no longer has the faintest whiff of piss, even if I miss a regularly scheduled cleaning. 

Liberating might be a bit of overstatement, but maybe not. I can wipe! No more splashing! No more dried urine spots on the floor!

We recently watched an episode of the streaming series ‘Girls’, where two of them were talking while one was on the toilet.  After some conversation, the one not peeing asked the other, “Are you done yet? Why are you still sitting on the toilet?!” The other says “Yes, I’m done, but I like to wait and make sure every last drop is gone. It makes me feel confident I won’t have any leakage.” 

YES.

I’ve read this sitting-while peeing phenomenon has been adopted by some men who've been asked by the women they cohabitate with to please sit while peeing so as not to make a mess. This ask can create discord and emotional havoc if the male involved allows his ego to resist the change. Choices… amirite?

As I age and my soft machine’s functions ramble on towards eventual malfunction, I try to stay connected to my physical self and make the changes needed to continue to be a successful and happy human. 

Sitting while peeing seems like a small thing, but the transition has given me more context about my conscious existence.

"Life is funny... skies are sunny... bees make honey." - Alvin Lee, '10 Years After' guitarist, songwriter (1944-2013)

“It may seem difficult at first, but everything is difficult at first.” – Miyamoto Musashi, swordsman/philosopher/artist (1584-1645)

All images, Gracias de Google Images; Buddy Miles 'Them Changes' video, Muchisimas Gracias de YouTube.